While everyone is susceptible to becoming codependent, parental codependency is more insidious due to the nature of the relationship. A parent can be codependent with their child(ren) even when the child is perfectly healthy. This codependence leads to failure of a child’s ability to fully thrive as a healthy, functional adult. This is because the codependent parent doesn’t allow the space or consistent discipline the child needs to develop adult skills.
When the instinctual urges for parents to protect their young become an addiction to that child, it can cross the line into dysfunction which will harm the entire family. This, coupled with denial, can become a lethal combination if your child becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol. Denial means you refuse to see how your actions with your child are harming them, yourself and other primary relationships.
According to Wikipedia, “Codependence is a complex pattern of excessive selflessness and preoccupation with another person that does not serve both people optimally. Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life.”
Signs You Might be a Codependent Parent
– Denial is the worst symptom because refusing to see there is a problem will keep you from getting help you need to truly benefit your child. Denial shows up in many forms; however a good indicator is if others have told you they feel you are codependent. See if you can recognize any of these other signs:
– Obsessions. In fact, codependency is the disease of being addicted to another person. Just like any other addiction, you can become obsessed to the point you become more “married” to your child than you are to your spouse. You might feel constantly and immediately defensive if anyone questions how you might be harming your child more than helping.
– Dependency. The fear of being rejected or abandoned by your child is so strong that you allow him/her to cross your boundaries, break rules and become an alpha figure in the household instead of maintaining your parental authority.
– Intimacy problems. You have a fear that if you remain closer to your spouse that it will interrupt your addiction to your child. Your sex life will suffer – your spouse might seem resentful for feeling neglected and not treated with the respect a spouse deserves.
– Painful emotions. You feel torn between doing what you feel is right, and doing what you feel will placate your addiction. The thought of your child becoming distant or angry with you, versus, exerting healthy boundaries and rules creates distress to the point where you will allow your child to become undisciplined and possibly even rude/disrespectful to you and others in the home.
– Low Self Esteem. This could look like you only feel happy about yourself if your child is happy with you. If they aren’t happy with you, you worry and feel as if you are a failure.
– People pleasing behaviors. This can show up as feeling stress if you need to say “No”, or keep consistent rules and boundaries with your child. If you are married, you may notice there are problems because instead of supporting your spouse, you feel defensive against him/her when he/she is requesting that rules be followed or some other discipline be put in place.
– Poor Boundaries. You set rules and then allow them to be broken without consequence; you feel responsible for your child’s feelings and problems or blame them on yourself or others. You might become closed off from other family members because your focus is set so narrowly on your child.
– Reactivity. Your defenses remain high and if anyone questions what you are doing, you feel attacked and “misunderstood” in your role as a parent.
– Caretaking. You do more for your child than what is age appropriate or healthy. For example, if you find yourself reminding your young adult child about basic self-care or other tasks, such as showering or brushing his/her teeth, that is more than likely a huge red flag that you are codependent. Also, you will have a tendency to put your child’s care ahead of your own even when they are old enough and should be becoming more independent.
– Control. You find yourself becoming controlling and manipulative with others in your family. You may have the tendency to change everyone else to fit into your dysfunction, or finding fault with them if they refuse to follow suit.
– Dysfunctional communication. You might portray dishonest traits thinking you are “protecting” your child, or you are caught up in manipulating others in a way that requires you to cover up, hide or otherwise shade the truth.
– Addictive personality disorder. If you have other addictions such as alcoholism, the addictive tendencies can easily cross over into other forms of addictions.
While these are signs that you are a codependent parent, they are not a diagnosis. However, if you could recognize yourself and feel you might be a codependent parent, help is available. Make no mistake, codependency IS a disease and is classified as a relationship addiction. There are 12 Steps programs available including Al-Anon, Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon and others. You might also wish to seek the help of a family or personal therapist.
Please don’t underestimate the damage codependency can cause, to you, your child and the rest of your family. In the case of your child being an alcoholic or addict, the most effective parenting methods will seem contradictory and difficult, more so if you are codependent with your child. However, getting help for yourself will allow you to better effectively help your child.
How does one help the child in the co-dependent relationship?
That’s a great, yet heartbreaking question. This would depend on how old the child is and additional considerations. Reaching out to Alateen, Alanon, Naranon or a family counselor who specializes in addiction would be the best starting point.
My wife recognizes these symptoms in herself, but denies that they cause any harm to her or the child. How would you answer that?
It’s a form of denial. Start utilizing boundaries for yourself and have a calm, but firm discussion with her in the presence of a counselor about some parenting principles that are non- negotiable to you.
I think i am co dependant and i have actually created a full blown Covert Narcissistic son without knowing i was doing so.
My son is now 22 and my life is a living hell.
He is dependant upon drugs and his covert narcissism. I am his favourite victim because i am his mother and feel like i need to help him as he is my responsibility. He has no where else to go and no job, no money, no phone, he has warrants put for his arrest, he has a knee in a brace from a bike riding injury and has no friends. I realise he has made these choices for himself, but I cant help but feel responsible. I can’t imagine how much he is really hurting inside…..or why would he do this self preservation mechanism all the time? Ultimately he is damaged, correct?
The funny or ironic thing is i have always known there was something wrong with his self esteem and have tried to get him to go to counselling etc, without success. It is me who created this damaged human who is inflicting his pain wherever he goes onto whoever will take it.
What can i do now? I feel responsible to fix it.
Andrea, I feel as though I could have written your comment myself!! EVERYTHING you said is exactly how I feel and what I am going through with my 19-year old son! You wrote this 5-months ago, how has life been for you in the last 5-months? WOW, now I don’t feel so alone
Your comment made me cry because my son who is now deceased was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with a narcissistic trait. I did everything in my power to save him from himself by his alcohol and drug use. I sent him to rehab. I sent him to jail. I sent him to psych hospital. I sent him to counseling. I let him stay in my house when he needed or wanted I locked him out of my house which resulted in broken windows. He was a alcoholic. Meth addict. Heroin addict. Prior to his death he was in Rehab and there were so many moments when I loved him, I hated him, I despised him, I felt sorry for him, I didn’t care about him, I did care about him, I worried about him, I missed him! So many emotions throughout the day! It was exhausting! He was my life’s quest and I failed to keep him alive and safe! I go through days hating myself hating him, missing him, crying! I now made myself so sick I have major depression, anxiety, ptsd insomnia, diabetes, overweight, high blood pressure and low oxygen..
My daughter also diagnosed with BPD & completed suicide- I’m beginning to understand that being the mother of a child with BPD forces us to become codependent in an attempt to save them. We are left completely destroyed and now must face the mental health consequences of the trauma- may God have mercy on us
good for you ladies . for taking responsibility , albeit too late.. i am watching my daughters doing exactly this. its a form of child abuse. and has damaged the natural bond of nanna / grandma r/s. . e.g . . recently my darling 11yr old grand daughter shouted she hated me. i spoke to mum (my daughter) as to why she would be this way . well, it was because i had a different opinion that she didnt like about helping her tired busy mum and clear the table before the evening meal.
i was strict if needed , but all 7 knew where they were with me. they were smart kids ( now all with professional careers, oops! 6, he s a tradie ). they understood boundaries and consequences.and that it was about their long and short term wellbeing.
today its about the quick fix .
consistency is key.
m.
m
Andrea, a mother bird does everything possible for the baby bird. Yet, she knows if she does not someday push her baby out of the nest – it will never fly. You have done everything you can and it’s time to push your baby bird out of the nest too – he is no longer your responsibility and even if you made mistakes – what parent hasn’t?
hi I have a son whos now 24 years smokes cannabis in and out of jobs constantly in which I take him bring him back its like getting a child up for shool all over again he makes every excuse not to go to work he hates the job hes tiered hes not feeling well ect once he finally finishes the job no money hes back to begging money and selling things all over again pleases help
Diane,
You’re not helping him when you enable his dysfunctional behavior and he doesn’t learn to take responsibility/pride in a job well done. He rents you because he needs you but at the same time feels shame in connection to that need.
You need to set boundaries and probably need to do that with the help of a counselor. Also need to be ready for some pain and rejection in the short term in hopes of getting a better outcome and relationship in the long term.
“resents” not “rents”…sorry.
I have a 18 year old son and I think I am co dependent on him. He is the baby of the family always got what he wants and me being a mom always had his back when he should have been in trouble now he does drugs does not want to go to college when he was a star basketball athlete and I am so confused because I don’t know who he is now. I have always taken care of everything for him. But my question is how do I fix it? He’s in and out of our home and recently my husband told him not to return if he won’t get help. And I am beside myself it bothers me to no end to have my son on the street and I can’t help him. We did not raise him like this or with this lifestyle. We need help. Where do we begin.
You can’t fix it for him. That’s still taking care of your needs. You need to set up boundaries and stick to them. Your son can only change himself, when and if he’s ready to make the changes.
Your husband is right, no matter how harsh it might seem to you. He is trying to establish some boundaries.
Good luck , hope everything is working out.
Read Melanie Beattie, “Co dependent No More.”
I no I’m codependant I’m just figuring this out. my question is I got my son a dirtbike about a year ago knowing I couldn’t afford it.I’m still making payments on it to a friend but about 4 months ago I needed money to pay other bills I feel I should let the pawn shop keep the bike and I no it will hurt my son although he has two other bikes at his mom’s house. my question is I feel I should let the bike go because I can’t afford to get it out of pawn but I don’t want to hurt my son even though he hasn’t even talked about the bike much is this a form of co dependant trying to please my son Wich will hurt my financial situation more if I keep paying on it?
Can you recommend any books for co-dependent parents to read? I like self help books and I definitely need help!
This is so,so interesting.my son is 19 and other than having all his emotional and or mental issues;AKA ADHD, major depression and anxiety, he shows all of the same issues as other parents in this article. I’m so worried he will not come out of this pattern and it is affecting me severely. As mother I did had him in different treatment and counseling, but now that he is an adult he won’t go get help. It is so much a heavy load to carry with no help as a single one income picture. Yes I do need help I don’t know how to fix it.
I feel this is my mom. I live with her, my 22 year old brother his girlfriend and their 4 kids ages 6,4,2,15 months. My brother already has a dui, his medical marijuana card and they both back each other up when it comes to drinking. They fight constantly and I am always thrown in the middle. I tell them not to bother me and they need to work it out. My mom yells at me, and I turn around and tell her ” I am going to get my sister in law and my nephews and move out”, she tells me I won’t make it without her and then she will cry and say “I know you can make it but you can’t leave me here with him”. We argue all the time as I feel like I am the man in the relationship and it is not my job. I stopped worrying about them when my nephews were born. I have been in their lives since day 1 and I will not leave them. My nephews did not ask to be born they did not ask for an alcoholic grandmother or father. It is my job to help protect them. My mom is refusing to read the signs and admit any problems of being a dependant mother and alcoholic, some how she ends up telling me its my fault. How can I approach her in the right way to let her know about these signs any thoughts. Thank you.
My wife and I (married for 29 years) are on the brink of divorce and have been on and off for four years over our daughter and my wife’s relationship with her. My daughter and I have had very ugly fights and have not been speaking to each for nearly a year. I have made several attempts to find peace but have failed. My daughter is rude, disrespectful, vulgar, to me in front of my wife and others. My wife stands by and says “well that’s between the two of you” then proceeds to criticizes me for not “being a bigger person.” Our daughter is now 25 married and lives 20 minutes away. She works for the same people that my wife does and they are in constant contact (2 dozen texts and 6 or more phone calls some days). My wife has no friends other than my daughter; and my daughter has no meaningful friends other than my wife. My wife and I have seen a therapist for about 9 months who referred to this as “splitting”, my wife refuses to see it and says “well she said a lot of things”. My wife hosted an “intervention” to convince me of the error of my ways. My daughter was crawled up on her lap through the whole thing; just awful! My wife now wants me to loan our daughter money for a house, I hesitated and my wife says well she will just do it herself. What am I missing?
John, I hope you found peace through the past few years .
my brother and his wife have only one child aged 2 and 3 months. She is v bright. She can count.knows the alphabet can sing many songs however she cannot feed herself her meals. All food is mashed up and fed to her by her mum or dad. My brother appears to have learnt not to question his wife’s parenting. during meal times social media is played at the table throughout so the child is disengaged from those around her onlybinteracting with mostly her mother. Her mother speaks of disliking other children and only liking her own which worries me as it could stop my niece from forming close friends if she unconsciously thinks her mother would disapprove. When my niece shows signs of affection towards my kids she constantly says ‘no it’s mama u want’ at family meals she insists on feeding my niece even if my brother is next to my niece or even let the child do it herself. They continuously sing all day long and no normal level of conversation appears to happen. it’s like a defence mechsnism to stop anyone highlighting the over top behaviour. I’m so worried for all of them. Do i bring it up with my brother or stay well out of it from all d comments it only seems to lead to unhappiness
2-3 months? Let it go. They are young parents trying to figure this out. You probably did the same crazy stuff in different ways. Roll with it. Encourage them – nothing negative.
My nineteen year old responded to my unsolicited advice about his ortho-retainer by rolling his eyes and saying “more wise advice from mom.”
I’m done advising unless asked.
There must be in existence better books for proper parenting than “Co-Dependent No More”. It really didn’t help me as a parent to a 21 year old, consequently I am still on the hunt for a book designed just for parents struggling with this.
I am married to a woman that has an 8 year old daughter. They (my wife) shows signs of being codependent on her daughter as well as her 26 year old adult son. We have only been married 18 mos. I have felt this from day one but did not know what it was. Their codependency has hugely affected our marriage as it causes me to react in irritation and at times angry tones. And all I get is I am an angry person. Then off they go the two of them leaving me to my own means. Unless I am willing to apologize( which I typically do) and let them continue in their ways. I need help, counseling, resources to help me deal with this. I have mentioned this to my wife but she has yet to acknowledge even reading about it. At this rate we won’t see our 2nd Anniversary. I love her, but am about at the brink of calling it quits. I am willing to help her, in anyway possible, but it has to be a two way street. And she had to start putting more emphasis on our marriage.
It’s a sickness, and most people living in it don’t want the help. They are both getting what they want and need, so why bother changing it.
I am leaving a six and a half year relationship because of it. My former fiancé can’t ever be a husband to me when he acts married to his adult daughter. Wish the happy couple the best of luck, hope she never leaves him. The last time she did, he tried to kill him self.
I think most patents do the best they can. As long as you don’t abuse your child and have done the best you could, give yourself a break.
There is no perfect person in this world. They do not exist. If you were abused as a child then you apparently had issues and it’s bit your fault. It’s the patents who intentionally hurt their own children who anger me.
I think I display the caretaker characteristic when it comes to my 17 year old daughter. My concern is how to let her fall when I know falling means she will die? She is 17 so I am still responsible for her and to keep her safe. If I just allow her to have internet access which will allow her to go off with grown men and be human trafficked, due to her sex addiction issues, then aren’t I failing to fulfill my responsibility as a parent to keep her safe? If her brain development is stifled due to childhood trauma, isn’t there some kind of age gap for that? I mean, at 18, I just push her out into the street and tell her to go survive and that’s it? Where is the line of what is my responsibility and hers?
How do you know that allowing her to fall will mean she dies? Unfortunately, sometimes that is how it works out, but then again, you could give then all the help in the world, and that doesn’t save their life either. At 17, it’s your legal responsibility to keep her safe. You could insist she get into treatment. And yes, at 18, she is a legal adult and while it’s sad, you are no longer responsible for her.
My mother dragged me into codependent relationship with her. She was extremely psychologically abusive and couldn’t tolerate any hint of my doing well. She would tear me down until I was suicidal and then she’d come in and stroke my hair and bring me food. I began refusing this caretaking to try to break the addiction to my ill health. it became all out war against me – non stop hostility and control for years on end. It felt like revenge for refusing the caretaking, but she would never admit it or even recognize it. I wasn’t able to escape do to Suffering severe ptsd, anxiety and depression. She denies all of this unhealthy behavior.
So my daughter doesn’t talk to me anymore and I’m on the verge of my son doing the same. My past less than the ideal. I thought I did everything right when I received multiple mental health diagnosis. I immediately put both of my kids in therapy. Sadly we didn’t do a lot of family therapy. The bad, my illness, my parenting skills, my baggage, my trauma damaged my kids. The good, they know it’s okay to seek help and apparently are getting some great advice and the codependency issues are being addressed. Unfortunately I haven’t been on the same page. Not on purpose but because I didn’t know. I missed it. Light bulb! I see now how they both have tried to talk about it but it has always been a one-sided conversation as I had no clue what the situation was. All those years of therapy it was never addressed as codependency. It was discussed as communication skills which I understand to be a part of that. So now that I have a better understanding of what’s broken how do I proceed? How do I support them without doing more damage?
Thank you all for writing about being part of family codependency. My daughter is a severe alcoholic at 40. Still dependent on me. That’s a long time to be someone’s mommy. She was beautiful and well educated, mostly at my expense. Now she will probably die within the next decade. Please don’t be as stupid as I have been as an over-indulgent, self-sacrificing parent. ruth
Is co-dependency having the need to do things for other people for their approval instead of doing things to your approval? I’m not sure if a parent that makes you always feel guilty and shit talk you almost all of your life and you do anything to try to please that person is that co-dependency? does the dependent person start turning into that other person in order to try to please that person?
I’m a widower, age 65. I have read the article on the elephant in the room and realise that I’m a codependent. My daughter, aged 30, lives with me and she is dependent on me. I have allowed and enable her to do so. I struggle to set healthy boundaries because I’m scared that she will then reject me. I have met a wonderful woman and we were seeing each other for four years. But I have always denied the fact that I’m enabling my daughter. This put a lot of strain on our relationship which eventually lead to a breakup. I realise that I need to start to set boundries and get help. I need her to become the independent adult she needs to be. I really need assistance in this process.